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Author Topic: A Thousand Weddings  (Read 2802 times)
the mad mare
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« on: April 05, 2007, 09:34:42 AM »

A Thousand Weddings

“Undying Love” - is there really such a thing?  Yes, sometimes love really does last a lifetime ….

Each morning Charlie visits and he brings a dozen roses.
Each morning Rosie’s beaming as he once again proposes.
The nurses cheer “Congratulations!”  Rosie smiles so sweetly
and wears her sweet-heart’s diamond ring.  It always fits so neatly.

It’s nine o’clock and this is how it happens every morning,
the gentleman and lady chat, but then without a warning
poor Rosie’s face will draw a blank, she’ll lose all comprehension -
no memories, and Charlie's left again without attention.

T’was more than sixty years ago he’d waltzed her at their wedding,
but now he sees her waste away - they say the cancer’s spreading.
Each day, they have an hour or so, their bliss a brief adventure,
before her mind is gripped again by claws of cruel dementia.

Each day he tells her stories and he takes her on a journey
with memories of farming on their property “Belldurnie”.
She doesn’t see a bent old man.  To her, he’s only twenty,
when love was so exciting and the good times were a-plenty.

There’s some things she remembers well and some things she’s forgotten,
like working side by side in summer, picking rows of cotton,
the joy of swaying wheat fields, or the fear of bushfires roaring,
the fun at local dances, or the peace of eagles soaring.

She laughs to hear his joyful tales, but some give Rosie shivers.
Charles tells of storms and cattle drowned in swirling flash-flood rivers,
then snowflakes in the mountains and the bell birds’ song at daybreak.
They toiled as one, shared victories, shared ev’ry breath and heartache.

Romantic stories told each day, with passion full and burning -
brings joy to Rose, but leaves old Charlie empty, sad and yearning.
The gift he gives, is not just tales of outback skill and daring -
he manufactures happy times of children’s love and caring.

They would have loved a dozen kids, but never could have any,
so Charles created Jessica, and Bradley, Tom and Penny.
Rose would have been a perfect Mum, loved cooking cakes and sewing.
Her face lights up - she asks about the grandkids, "Are they growing?"

Rose listens, laughs, and loves old Charles.  Her eyes of hazel twinkle.
She touches Charlies’ leathered face, but never sees a wrinkle.
She sees a handsome, dashing lad and snuggles in real cosy.
He kisses her so tenderly - he loves his darling Rosie.

The nurses smile to see her sleeping, snug against his shoulder
a blessing Charles is grateful for - a special chance to hold her
before her mind goes blank again and leaves her with no notion
of who he is ... the love they share ... the depth of his devotion.
 
While Rosie sleeps, old Charles will leave.  The nurses know the danger
if Rose should wake up baffled in the arms of “just a stranger”.
She’ll panic, tears will trickle down, she’ll cringe in shy confusion,
and Charlie’s heart will break again at Rosie’s scared exclusion.

So carefully, the nurses help as Charlie stands and kisses
the sleeping face of Rose, his bride, “Goodbye for now, sweet Missus”.
As Charlie slowly shuffles out, his shoulders droop with sorrow.
He gently holds that diamond ring - he’ll need it for tomorrow.

For three long years … a thousand days … the scene just keeps repeating,
with Rose, the only reason that old Charlie keeps on eating.
The nurses know that when Rose goes, old Charles will go soon after.
He’ll follow Rose to Heaven’s doors to hear his lover’s laughter.

Until that day, he’ll find the strength to keep on bringing roses,
to watch his bride’s excitement as he once again proposes.
The promise of a thousand weddings - Rosie smiles so sweetly
and wears her sweet-heart’s diamond ring.  It always fits so neatly.


 Cry
« Last Edit: April 05, 2007, 07:55:52 PM by the mad mare » Logged

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the mad mare
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2007, 09:40:41 AM »

Anyone got any suggestions or criticisms?  I'd rather you lot picked it apart than me waste time sending it in to comps if it could be better!

Thanks,

Kym.

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therese
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« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2007, 09:49:31 AM »

oh kym.  that is beautiful!  i wouldnt change a thing.  thanks so much for sharing it with us.
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Bernard de Silva
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« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2007, 09:58:29 AM »

G'day Kym,
               you know me on critique...
                my only comment, is that you nailed a sad subject in a fine and entertaining way...Goodonya.
        Cheers Mate,
                          Bernie.

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zondrae
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« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2007, 12:05:49 PM »

..Kym

You have such skill that I would not dare to 'pick'. My only comment is....I should give up.
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the mad mare
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« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2007, 12:11:24 PM »

Thanks therese, bernie and Zondrae for your compliments, but what bits don't work for you?  What doesn't make sense?  Is it too long (OK I know it's too long), would it be better without the memories of cotton and wheat, or without the fabricated children?  Does that add to the story or just make it longer (yawn ...)?  Is it too much for her to have cancer AND dementure?  Pick away!!!



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zondrae
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« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2007, 02:30:59 PM »

Ok Kym, Grin

I did think that Dementure would have covered it, and it is a bit long if thinking about it as a potential performance piece.  But then again some of the best poems that are regularly performed are long. I should not judge others by my unreliable memory.  Undecided(like I said dementure covers it)  I like the structure of all lines having the same syllable count. I often wonder, when  I'm writing, if there are any really hard and fast rules about length of lines, and combinations  etc.  I had my first real idea of the year last night but as I'm off to see the National, the wonderful national of Oz, over Easter, it will have to wait. It's about a dog. Funny I'm really a cat person but then you never see a heroic film called 'Puss Puss come Home'?  or 'Fluff The Wonder Cat' do you? Roll Eyes
.... and there is 'The Shed' oh dear I had better take my notebook and pencil.

Have a safe and happy Easter everyone. Catch up next Tuesday.
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Irene
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« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2007, 03:35:56 PM »

Hi Kym
Great to see you back posting one of your poems - have missed your poetry!! Hope to see some more!  Smiley

That is a really wonderful poem, and, like Bernie says, you have covered the subject in a really fine manner.

No, I don't think that the poem is too long - the story flows along well, starting with an introduction to their life now, followed by a great picture of how he keeps their past alive for her throughout his visit, then leading on to the heartbreaking end (for him) to each visit.
The picture of the memories he shares with her gives a good insight into their personalities and what has shaped their lives, and so makes the story sadder because of the deep love they obviously shared.
There is nothing unusual really about her having both cancer and dementia - at her age, it would be a common occurrence to have either or both of those diseases.

I loved the poem the way it is - the rhyme, rhythm and metre is (in my untutored eyes!!) perfect. However, there are a couple of suggestions I could make that could really just be typo errors when you posted it (or could be correct, and me being wrong!!!)
Will put them in, but certainly won't be offended if you say I am wrong, as you have the experience that I haven't!!

Stanza 2 - gentle man. I wasn't sure it you meant it as a 'gentle man' or 'gentleman' - nit picking, but my eye kept wanting to read it as gentleman.
Charlie' - should that have been Charlie's as in Charlie is left again without attention?

Stanza 3, Verse 2 - the first half of the line is in the present (he sees her waste away), should the second half be separated by a hyphen, and be in the present also (- they say the cancer's spreading)? I get my tenses muddled up quite often, so am probably wrong!!
Dementure - should be spelt dementia.

Stanza five - obviously just a typo error  Grin - or the peace of eagles soaring.

Stanza eight, Verse 1 - I was thinking that maybe the 'never did have any' would sound better as 'never could have any', but perhaps that is too much like the 'would' in the first half of the line.  Huh  Huh
Verse 4 - just another typo - "Are they growing?"

Stanza nine, verse 4 - I would have put a hyphen instead of a full stop in the middle of the line (He kisses her so tenderly - he loves his darling Rosie), but then, I have a thing about hyphens, and probably overuse them!!!  Smiley

Hope that is ok - I really do love it the way it is, and would just have read and thoroughly enjoyed it (which I did!!) without even thinking of any suggestions if you hadn't put your second post in requesting comments. Like I said, I won't be offended if none of the suggestions are valid.

Good luck with it in the competitions - I am certainly no veteran or expert on competitions, but I would think it should do very well.

Catchya
Irene

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the mad mare
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« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2007, 06:59:27 PM »

Thanks so much Irene.  That's exactly what I was after!  I've gone back and made changes.  I've read and re-read that so many times, yet don't see simple mistakes, like "the of peace eagles soaring", but when someone points them out, they seem glaringly obvious!!!  And your other suggestions are great too - some of them are things I pondered on, but am more confident with now that someone else has highlighted them.  Thanks again Irene, I really appreciate your help.

As far as you wanting to come this way to visit some time, I'd love to go your way some time.  My hubbie lived in WA for a year as a child, and loved it.  I can't remember the name of the place he lived at (it'll keep me awake now - it was some very fertile valley??? with lots of water where they grew cotton and watermelons???), but I hear there's a place called Monkey Mia where you can paddle with dolphins.  I want a dolphin!

Thanks again Irene.


And Zondrae ... smack!  What's that rot about you wanting to give up writing?  You know you're doing great - all those judges who've being giving you prizes aren't doing that just to be nice!  But I reckon, no matter who we are, we ALL could use some suggestions now and then, or else how are we going to learn and improve?  OK, now the lecture is over, I take back my smack ... Kiss 

As far as memory goes, I'll bet mine's worse than yours.  I can't remember poems, especially my own, because I keep making changes.  How's my poor old mashed-potato brain supposed to keep up? 



Kym.

« Last Edit: April 05, 2007, 07:52:00 PM by the mad mare » Logged

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« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2007, 02:45:06 AM »

No probs, Kym - I felt a bit rude offering comments to you, but I remember how helpful it was when I used to ask for advice and Glenny and Croc used to make suggestions. Like you say, sometimes, you read it too many times and don't even pick up the typos, etc.
I still miss Glenny & Crocs ability to make constructive criticism - but I've learnt to "polish,polish,polish" (whether it does any good or not is another thing!!  Grin ) and I have a friend that I get to read for me, and pick up any typos, etc that I have missed.

The dolphins are at Monkey Mia, which is just out of Shark Bay. That is further north than where I live. Further north again (right up the top of the state) is Kununurra, which is probably the place you are talking about where they grow cotton and watermelons. They have dammed a large area up there, known as Lake Argyle, and also mine for diamonds up there.
My husband and son went up there a few years ago to visit friends, but I stayed home to work!!  Cry Roll Eyes But they say it is very nice country.  My plan one day is to travel throughout the north of the state, then through Northern Territory, and across down the east coast. 
I would really love to do a horse ride along part of the Bi-centennial trail over there, but think I may be past it by the time I get over there!!

Yes Zondrae, you had better take your notebook and pencil!!! We are now all eagerly awaiting 'The Shed', so you are not going to get out of it!!!  Grin Grin

INcidentally, you have asked a couple of times about rules on length of lines, combinations etc. I recently purchased a copy of Carmel Randles book HELP! A handbook for writers and performers of Rhymed Verse. In it, she goes into all the basics of poetry writing, including the issues you have asked about, the different types of poems - ie ballads, odes, lyrical verse, etc - and recognising the metrical beat of  poems, etc, etc. I only received it yesterday, but have had a good read through it, and it would probably answer some of your questions.  I purchased it straight from her address in Preston, Qld.

Catchya
Irene
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Andrew
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« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2007, 03:03:42 AM »

bloody top poem kym.
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James
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« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2007, 07:52:42 AM »

Dear sweet Kym I have just finished reading your poem, and all the comments, the tears are still running from my eyes . This poem touched my so deeply, and when the tears stop I will reread it and print it off so that Edith my wife of 63 years can share it.  I wish you and all the others who view this site peace this Easter . OK now I am going back to the start again I can see better .Thanks your G/D James.
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« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2007, 08:23:28 AM »

Kym you ask if the poem is too long let me say that with a masterpiece like this you could have exceeded the 1001 nights that Scharazade kept her husband enthalled. That story and the music of Rimsky Korsakov are close to the top of my preferences.  The answer to another one of your questions " Undying Love " you got that right too. James
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the mad mare
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« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2007, 10:28:39 AM »

Andrew - thanks!

Irene - YES THAT'S IT - Kununurra.  By the way, if you ever get over to Queensland, I'd love you to visit me.  I'll even take you for a ride on our horsies (I'm past it too, so we'll take two of the slow ones, hey?)  We can go riding on the beach - that's really fun (except when the kids pony wanted to swim out to the islands, and she can be very headstrong when she wants - that was scary!  We won't ride that one.)  Thank you again for your suggestions about the poem, I think they were all good ideas and improved the poem.  I really do appreciate your comments and the time you spent on it, as I know you are busy with work and all.

James - I'm sooo sorry if this poem upset you.  You and Edith have been together for longer than I've been alive, so you know better than I do about long time love.  I can only imagine what it must be like to share an entire lifetime with one person.  I've only been married twenty-something years, but that's over half my lifetime ...

Thanks everyone,

Kym.

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« Reply #14 on: April 06, 2007, 10:40:07 AM »

Kym,
A great piece of work. Unless the length contravenes some competition rules, there's no need to worry.

The story is well told, and emotions are brought out. I saw a similar relationship years ago as a husband faithfully visited his wife to give her her lunch-7 days a week. And she didn't recognise him at all.

I had great respect for him, and your poem brings all that back again to me.

As to the use of 'would' and 'could', I like the internal rhyme that is provided. To me, it softens the sound a little more than 'did' instead of 'could'.  That's a personal preference though, and we might never know the preferences of any particular judge.

But I loved it - a moving story. Is it fiction, or do you know someone?

Cheers,
 Tom.
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