Hey Kimbo ... bloody bonza peace of werk ... (but I'm not gunna tell you that
)
Use any or none of the following suggies ... just to give you another pear of ayes.
Hope it helps ...
M.
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STANZA 6
Charles tells of storms and cattle drowned in swirling flash-flood rivers,
<Charlie> tells of storms and cattle drowned in swirling <> rivers, (one alternative perhaps?)
(The 'catch here is <Charles tells> )
STANZA 8
Rose listens, laughs, and loves old Charles. Her eyes of hazel twinkle.
Rose listens, laughs, and loves old Charles. Her hazel eyes a-twinkle.
(The 'catch here is <hazel twinkle> )
(for 'flow' perhaps? sound it out)
STANZA 9
before her mind goes blank again and leaves her with no notion
before her mind goes blank again - leaves her without a notion (flow off the tongue again ?)
(The 'catch here is <no notion> )
(The 'catch here is < > )
STANZA 10
and Charlie’s heart will break again at Rosie’s scared exclusion.
Another word other than 'scared' may work better ...
(The 'catch here is <Rosie's scared> )
and Charlie’s heart will break again should he go through exclusion. - ?
and Charlie’s heart will break again should Rose give him exclusion.
?
(or similar???) You'll work it out ....
)
STANZA 11
He gently holds that diamond ring - he’ll need it for tomorrow.
He clasps onto that diamond ring - he’ll need it for tomorrow.
(clasps/grasps/holds ... it's part of his reason for being - the 'ring' higlights his 'determination' perhaps??)
STANZA 12
The nurses know that when Rose goes, old Charles will go soon after.
(The 'catch here is <Rose goes> )
try sounding out the following two verses .. and see if that opens up something ....
The nurses know that when Rosie goes, Charles will go soon after.
The nurses know that when She goes, old Charles will go soon after.
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