Australian Bush Verse & Poetry Forum

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  1. Wordsmith
  2. Have A Yarn
  3. Friday, 22 February 2019
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Mobile Phone
I’ve gone back to the old wooden model with the stone buttons. I had hoped that it might still have the “cigarette lighter” and “pipe cleaner” apps , but these have now been replaced with the “spirit level”, “movie dock” and “sat nav” functions. It’s true, this one doesn’t google or translate my emails into Scandinavian, but when I push the green stone, it’s like magic, I can talk to someone! Of course the comb, bicycle pump and hair clippers come in handy at times and the water finding app is divine. I’ve not yet used the X ray or the DNA photography functions, and the night shooting spotlight tends to flatten the battery fairly quickly but the voice recognition “come here” feature is invaluable when you’ve lost the phone.
Cost wise, they do you this “Licker 69” model at a laughable $100.- , whereas my last glass tablet model had to be purchased through a 3 year $1000.- plan, and after 2 years the only function that still worked was the vibrator. I gave it to my wife who now claims she uses it as an emergency bedside night light. The lie detector was one of the first functions that went on it after only 3 calls! Apart from that, it was a rather cumbersome lump of rubbish and I could never rid myself of a hideous sense of shame, stroking it gently with one finger every time it vibrated in my pocket, which they claimed would turn it on. All the same, as a dishwasher and rain gauge it stood up very well in my household until I took it outside once and it got wet, after which it kept switching itself on to the fish finder, depth gauge and currency converter modes of all things!
I tried using the text messaging service on it once, intending to inform a bloke that I considered him to be a despicable poofter. Well, I got a blister on my finger from stroking and tapping the blasted contrivance, and all it would write was “U R Not Str8”. I sent it off and received a reply, “Luv U 2 Ben Dover”. In disgust I tried to wipe my arse with the damn thing and it got turned on!
I did transfer the lie detector app to my new model when I discovered that if I turn it around and switch it to incoming, it actually works! However, I found that the damn thing kept overheating so I’ve switched it back to outgoing, which is why I very rarely tell a lie.
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